she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
