That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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