Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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