dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
