hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Randomize
