So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
