Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
