Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
