Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
