I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
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