I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
