i need an iv and a liver transplant
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
