I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
