You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
