I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
