I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
