hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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