i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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