My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
