Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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