This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Damn victory sex feels great
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
