You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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