but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
