Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
