i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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