I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
