My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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