My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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