I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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