I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
