Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
