Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
