I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
