A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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