I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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