Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
