Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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