I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
