two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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