Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
