Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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