It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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