I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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