So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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