I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
