I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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