My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
