Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
