im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
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