her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
