Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
