But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
